I Wear Too Many Hats

Written between doing laundry, driving to soccer practice and listening to a conference call by Rose.

When my kids were really little, I would sometimes find myself laying on the couch in their playroom with my eyes closed – trying to remember what it was like when I was a single, twenty-something.

You see, that couch was the first piece of furniture I bought myself after college. I had gotten a small bonus at work, and decided to buy some new living room furniture to replace the early-90’s pastel flowered couch set my parents had “gifted” me.

After work or on weekends I would lay on that couch and figure out what I was going to do next. Maybe I’d go for a run. I could take a drive over to the mall to shop. I could bust out some craft supplies and make something. I could lay and read a book. Maybe I would register for that dance class I’d found online. Or get my yoga mat out and find some inner peace.

You get my point. I had so many options I could think of on that couch.

But fast forward 10 years. I was now a wife, mother, boss, employee, sister, friend… There were just too many things to do. And in those rare moments of quiet, I would do laundry, or clean, or get some extra work done, all in the hopes of getting ahead of all the tasks on my plate. The worst part was that I knew I was in good company. All of my friends did the same thing.

But why? Psychology calls it Role Accumulation Theory.

Rose, just help me get what I’m looking for.

Worried I’m going to bust into metaphors about cowboy hats, baseball hats, and fedoras? #Valid. Here are quick links to help you get to the good stuff.

· What is role Accumulation Theory: Breaking down the science of it all

· How do we get this way? We can actually pinpoint the Root Cause of why we do this to ourselves.

· I Swear My Spare Time Is Spent Doing Chores: And you’re not wrong. We’ve wired ourselves to be this way while our husbands watch TV.

· Knowledge is Power: What do we do with this information?

· Sources Referenced: In case you want to go down the rabbit hole with me.

What is Role Accumulation Theory?

Role accumulation theory suggests that as we take on more roles throughout our lifetime like spouse, parent, caregiver, pet owner, employee, etc., we experience role overload. There are only so many hours in a day and by taking on more roles, our time and energy get stretched thin. Suddenly, those precious weekend hours we once devoted to scrapbooking or knitting are spent running errands, cleaning, and caring for others.

Research shows that women experience more role overload than men, especially related to family and caregiving responsibilities. A study by Sayer et al. found that women spend over twice as much time on housework and caring for others compared to men. On average, women spend 33 hours per week on housework and caring for household members versus 14 hours for men (Sayer, England, Allison, & Kangas, 2011). We find ourselves struggling to balance being an involved mom, supportive spouse, and competent employee all at once. Our leisure time shrinks as our nurturing roles expand. A survey by the Bureau of Labor Statistics found women had over 3 hours less leisure time per week than men, with women averaging 5.4 hours of leisure time versus 8.7 hours for men (BLS, 2021). Before you know it, your hiking boots are collecting dust in the closet.

How do we get this way?

This disproportionate role accumulation starts early, with girls encouraged into nurturing, family-focused activities over adventure and competition. Even though I played competitive sports as a kid, I can vividly remember my time spent off the field with girlfriends often centered around playing house and school. In school, our extra-enrichment classes in Middle School were decidedly masculine and feminine: wood shop versus sewing class. Although, I do remember being the only girl in the Robotics and CAD course. #GirlPower

But ample research backs up that this has long term affects. Interestingly, studies show young girls spend more time in skill-building leisure like hobbies, while young boys spend more time in physical and social leisure activities (Shinew et al., 2004). The pressure to be responsible caregivers, and abandon our leisure hobbies, intensifies as we become wives and mothers. Women still conduct the majority of household and childcare duties after marriage (Bianchi et al., 2012). And so our childhood hobbies give way to adult responsibilities. Research shows women experience greater role overload and leisure constraints after having children while men's leisure time remains largely unaffected (Bittman & Wajcman, 2000).

I Swear My Spare Time is Just Doing Chores

Role accumulation also impacts women's ability to enjoy leisure time fully. Studies show we are more likely to engage in "semi-leisure" where our social and family duties cut into free time. A study by Mattingly and Bianchi found that women's free time was more likely to involve multitasking and balancing caregiving duties compared to men, making their leisure less relaxed and immersive (Mattingly & Bianchi, 2003). For example, research shows that on days off, men spend about 80% of their free time in pure leisure compared to only 68% for women, with women spending the rest of time engaging in unpaid work and errands (Bittman & Wajcman 2000).

Translation: It's hard to get lost in a good book when you have one eye on the kids.

A diary study found that even when relaxing at home, women were interrupted by family members 50% more often than men (Offer & Schneider, 2011). Men's leisure, on the other hand, tends to be more carefree and immersive. A study tracking leisure experiences using the Experience Sampling Method found that men reported their leisure activities as being more challenging, engaging, and rewarding compared to women (Csikszentmihalyi & Hunter, 2003).

Knowledge is Power

So, what do you do with this information? We have to acknowledge that the more roles we take on, the more strained we become. Our willpower to resist others' demands weakens. Days feel controlled by obligations rather than interests. When forced to choose, hobbies lose.

After all, skipping your ceramics class may disappoint you, but skipping your kid's game can feel devastating.

By understanding the pressures of role accumulation, we can start to challenge its grip. We can prioritize time for our hobbies, enlist support from our partner, and give ourselves permission to focus on self-care. Our roles will continue evolving, but we don't have to lose ourselves and our passions in the process.

Sources Referenced in this Post, if you’d like to dig further:

· Bianchi, S. M., Sayer, L. C., Milkie, M. A., & Robinson, J. P. (2012). Housework: Who did, does or will do it, and how much does it matter?. Social forces, 91(1), 55-63.

· Bittman, M., & Wajcman, J. (2000). The rushed family: Pressure, time and leisure inequality in Australia. The Australian and New Zealand Journal of Sociology, 36(2), 149-165.

· Bureau of Labor Statistics. (2021). Average hours per day spent in selected activities by employment status and sex. https://www.bls.gov/charts/american-time-use/activity-by-work.htm

· Coyne, S. M., Linder, J. R., Rasmussen, E. E., Nelson, D. A., & Birkbeck, V. (2016). Pretty as a princess: Longitudinal effects of engagement with Disney princesses on gender stereotypes, body esteem, and prosocial behavior in children. Child development, 87(6), 1909-1925.

· Csikszentmihalyi, M., & Hunter, J. (2003). Happiness in everyday life: The uses of experience sampling. Journal of happiness studies, 4(2), 185-199.

· Endendijk, J. J., Groeneveld, M. G., Bakermans-Kranenburg, M. J., & Mesman, J. (2013). Gender-differentiated parenting revisited: Meta-analysis reveals very few differences in parental control of boys and girls. PloS one, 8(7), e59259.

· Mattingly, M. J., & Bianchi, S. M. (2003). Gender differences in the quantity and quality of free time: The US experience. Social forces, 81(3), 999-1030.

· Offer, S., & Schneider, B. (2011). Revisiting the gender gap in time-use patterns: Multitasking and well-being among mothers and fathers in dual-earner families. American Sociological Review, 76(6), 809-833.

· Pomerleau, A., Bolduc, D., Malcuit, G., & Cossette, L. (1990). Pink or blue: Environmental gender stereotypes in the first two years of life. Sex roles, 22(5), 359-367.

· Sayer, L. C., England, P., Allison, P., & Kangas, N. (2011). She left, he left: How employment and satisfaction affect women’s and men’s decisions to leave marriages. American Journal of Sociology, 116(6), 1982-2018.

· Shinew, K. J., Floyd, M. F., & Parry, D. (2004). Understanding the relationship between race and leisure activities and constraints: Exploring an alternative framework. Leisure Sciences, 26(2), 181-199.