Why Do Men Get OBSESSED With Their Hobbies?

Psycho-analyzed while my husband was on the golf course

When my husband and I first met, it was after college and he was still very involved playing sports. He had been a two sport athlete in college, and in the first few years of our relationship was still playing Arena Football. It wasn’t until he officially hung up his football cleats that I noticed he wouldn’t be slowing down his passion for sports anytime soon.

While he had played in a softball league the entire time of our relationship, suddenly his intensity about that team increased. He began playing for multiple teams, or subbing on others. They would go early for batting practice, or have meetings at the bar to discuss the line-up. I had understood why football had always been prioritized over other events and activities – he was getting paid. (Not much, but paid none-the-less.)

But he wasn’t paid for beer-league softball.

I did see the friendship and comradery with his friends and family also on the softball teams. And how much we all enjoyed going out for pizza and beer after the games. But the tide truly turned after our first child was born and he continued with softball, and the “after party”, while I stayed at home with a baby. As she got older we’d go to the game, but have to leave after for bedtime. And he still stayed out. At home I pondered, “Why does he get to have softball and dinner with his friends each week, and I don’t?”

Rose, just help me get what I’m looking for.

Uninterested in hearing about my problems? I get it. No hard feelings. Here are some quick links to get you to what you were looking for.

· Let’s Check Out The Science: There are actually some studies that help explain this phenomenon.

· Is It All In My Head? You aren’t imagining it. Gender and Societal Norms play a strong part in all of it.

· How Can I Learn More: If you’re ready to go deep down the rabbit hole, check out these resources.

Now back to my stories.

At that point, I began trying to recruit my friends to have our own weekly event to get out of the house. I tried to get us to do dance classes, yoga classes or even just a weekly wine night. And while everyone had the best of intentions, we were all always willing to sacrifice our interests and activities to take care of responsibilities at home. With each attempt, attendance would begin to dwindle each week. Till I was the only one showing up for #downwarddog.

As we got older, and years of abuse on the football field began to take its toll, my husband eventually stopped playing softball because of injuries (and post-game aches and pains). But that’s when golf began to ramp up in his life. Again, its not like golf hadn’t been there, it was just an extra activity. But with softball gone, he then began playing in leagues and having regular tee times with other members of our golf club. Like softball, it went from a once-per-week activity to a multiple days-per-week activity. And unlike softball, golf was something that could be done year round thanks to indoor simulators.

Dear reader, as you’ll come to find on this blog, you can express a lot of emotions around these hobbies and interests. And I have my good days and bad days of how I feel about this golf hobby. But for the most part, I’ve mentally moved beyond the “that’s not fair” argument. Instead, I’ve leaned into part of what I do in my full-time job. I’ve tried to get to the root cause using behavioral science research. Because at this point in my marriage, and in my life, I can look all around and see that what I’m experiencing is not unique. Granted, my husband focuses his energy on sports, but I see other men focused on other hobbies: craft brewing, smoking meat, video gaming… And I’ve watched these obsessions turn into a wedge in relationships.

By the way, this is not to say that women can’t get equally obsessed with things. This is not some strictly male or female thing. But I’m moving forward here with the assumption that, if you’ve read this far, then you’ve also experienced this in your relationship. You’re wondering why your partner can seemingly prioritize their own hobbies and interests over other things: household chores, work, parenting, even your relationship.

Let’s Check Out the Science

As I delved into the world of behavioral science to understand my husband's obsession with hobbies, I came across several theories and research findings that helped shed light on his behavior.

Flow Theory

Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi's flow theory suggests that people engage in activities that provide a balance of challenge and skill, leading to a state of being completely absorbed in an activity and experiencing a sense of enjoyment and satisfaction. This might explain why my husband was so drawn to sports like football, softball, and golf, as they provided the right balance of challenge and skill to keep him engaged.

Mastery and Competence

According to Self-Determination Theory by Richard Ryan and Edward Deci, people have innate psychological needs for competence, autonomy, and relatedness. My husband's pursuit of sports and other hobbies might be fulfilling his need to develop skills and expertise in these areas, allowing him to feel a sense of mastery and competence.

Social Connections

Many hobbies, like softball and golf, serve as a means to connect with others who share similar interests. Engaging in these group activities likely strengthened my husband's bonds with his friends and family, providing a sense of belonging and contributing to his overall well-being.

Escapism and Stress Relief

Hobbies can provide a temporary escape from daily stressors and serve as a coping mechanism. Research has shown that engaging in leisure activities can help reduce stress and improve mental health. In this light, my husband's obsession with his hobbies might be a way for him to cope with stress and maintain his mental well-being.

Understanding the psychological and behavioral reasons behind my husband's hobbies has helped me see the situation from a different perspective and find ways to cope with the challenges it has brought to our relationship. Instead of focusing on the "that's not fair" argument, I am now better equipped to work together to find a balance that works for both of us.

Is It All in My Head, or Does Gender Make a Difference?

As I continued on my quest to understand the role of gender roles in the world of obsessive hobbies, I realized there are several factors at play that might explain why men seem to dive headfirst into their passions while women often don't give themselves the same opportunities. Here's what I discovered through behavioral science and psychology research:

Childhood Socialization

From the moment we're born, boys and girls are treated differently. Boys are often encouraged to be adventurous and competitive, while girls are nudged toward nurturing and relational activities. These early experiences can shape our interests throughout life and potentially contribute to the different hobbies pursued by men and women.

Leisure, Shmeisure

When it comes to leisure, it seems that women often get the short end of the stick. Studies have found that women's free time is more likely to be influenced by their social and caregiving roles, leading to less immersive leisure experiences. It's no wonder we might struggle to fully engage in hobbies when we're constantly juggling the needs of our family and friends!

The Clock is Ticking

Time constraints are a real thing, especially for women who often deal with unequal division of labor in the household. Research has shown that we tend to spend more time on unpaid work like childcare and chores, leaving us with less time and energy to devote to hobbies. Can someone invent a time-turner already?

Mind Over Matter

Women might also face psychological barriers to pursuing obsessive hobbies. Thanks to societal expectations, we're often expected to prioritize the needs of others over our own desires. This can make it difficult for us to fully immerse ourselves in our hobbies without feeling selfish or neglectful of our responsibilities. Talk about a catch-22!

His and Hers Hobbies

Historically, hobbies have been gendered, with some activities being deemed more appropriate for men and others for women. This can influence the hobbies we feel comfortable pursuing and the opportunities we have to engage in them. For instance, men are more likely to participate in organized sports, while women are more likely to engage in informal physical activities. Who made these rules anyway?

How Can I Learn More?

In a nutshell, it seems that a mix of socialization, gender stereotypes, time constraints, psychological barriers, and gendered interests are responsible for the differences in the ways men and women engage in obsessive hobbies. But hey, knowledge is power! By understanding these factors, we can challenge societal norms and work towards creating a more inclusive and supportive environment for everyone to pursue their passions and interests, regardless of gender.

I’d like to tell you about some fluffy, fun reads. But that’s not really how I roll. Instead, here are some resources that provide more information about the behavioral science and psychology behind the concepts discussed in this blog post:

1. Flow: The Psychology of Optimal Experience by Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi – This book delves into the concept of flow and its role in human happiness and achievement.

2. Self-Determination Theory: Basic Psychological Needs in Motivation, Development, and Wellness by Richard M. Ryan and Edward L. Deci – This book provides an in-depth exploration of Self-Determination Theory and its implications for motivation, development, and well-being.

3. Leisure Sciences: An Interdisciplinary Journal – This academic journal publishes research on a wide range of topics related to leisure, including gender and leisure, leisure constraints, and leisure and well-being.

4. Gender and Society – This peer-reviewed journal is dedicated to the study of gender in society, covering a diverse array of topics, including gender roles, socialization, and leisure.

5. Psychology of Women Quarterly – This academic journal focuses on research related to the psychological experiences of women and girls, addressing topics such as gender stereotypes, work-life balance, and women's mental health.

6. The American Psychological Association's Division 35: Society for the Psychology of Women – This division of the APA is dedicated to the study of the psychological experiences of women and girls and provides resources and information on a variety of gender-related topics.

7. The European Association of Social Psychology's Gender and Social Psychology section – This section of the EASP focuses on research related to gender and social psychology, including topics such as gender roles, stereotypes, and the impact of gender on leisure activities.